Let Me Help You
by lisaluu
Summary: After so many year of hiding his depression, Midoriya has become quite adept at deceiving those around him. However, after their fight at Ground Beta, Katsuki has started to observe his childhood friend more and more. Midoriya didn't want help. He didn't ask for it. What was Katsuki's problem? Early trigger warning: suicidal thoughts, self harm


Early trigger warning: self harm, suicidal thoughts.

Modoriya sat alone in his dorm, window closed and lights out. The silence seemed to stretch on for hours, thoughts running a muck in his mind. A pit in his stomach and a heaviness in his limbs. His mind wandered to his early childhood when he had little worries and a best friend. He thought about the happy boy he spent all his time with and how he had changed over the years.

The boy who laughed with him, played with him, defended him. How he changed to this spiteful boy with anger in his head and rage in his veins. How he had turned on him in middle school and bullied him relentlessly. He thought about the words he shouted at him, calling him "trash" "worthless" "useless" "quirkless". The hatred on his tongue telling him "go kill yourself" "the world would be better off without you." "Just disappear". The pain that coiled in his heart, tightening his chest.

He let out a shaky breath into the cold darkness that enveloped him. The sliver of moon light between the window curtains wasn't enough to illuminate the sadness twisting his face. He unraveled himself from the tight hold he had on his knees and stood walking to his small bathroom attached to his room. Opening the door he open the drawer under the sink, pushing past the toothbrush and toothpaste, face wash and floss, to a small piece of tape barely noticeable on the underside of the drawer hidden from view. He pulled it away and revealed the small razor blade tucked away. The metal unpolished and the blade sharp. He took it with him to sit on his toilet, closing the door. He sat staring at it for a time before pulling his sweats down his legs and pulling up his boxer to reveal small red lines just under the hem of his underwear on the side of his thigh. Some lines were recent some were a few weeks old and some had healed completely. All were wrong though. He knew this habit was toxic and degrading but he only thought of the relief he felt when the cold metal passed through his flesh.

He pressed the blade to his leg and swiped it across the surface quickly. The blade dipped into his skin several millimeters coming away clean and the skin quickly flowed with thin streams of crimson. He looked at it and let out the breath he was holding. Watching with empty eyes as the blood dripped off his thigh and pooled at his feet. He sat there for several minutes the numbness in his fingers forgotten with the pain released in that wound.

He waited for a while leaning back on the wall. Finally he pressing a folded piece of toilet paper to the wound ceasing the flow of blood and forming a delicate scab over the abused skin. He cleaned it with a few drops of iodine and wrapped in once in a bandage so it didn't get infected. After so many years of this he had a routine down to fool the others. He looked down at the small puddle of blood on the floor and started wiping it up with toilet paper, throwing the stained sheets into the bowl and flushing it when he was finished. He took out the disinfectant spray from his cabinet and sprayed the area. Wiping all signs of the act from existence.

Midoriya walked back to his bed falling down face first and turned his head to breathe. He closed his eyes, letting sleep take him.

A loud beeping roused him from the darkness that shrouded his eyes and he cracked them open to see the little red LED lights on his clock showing him 7:00am. He reached over and pressed the small black button on the top silencing the piercing sound. Sitting up on the edge of his bed for a moment, he blinked the sleep from his eyes. He looked around and started getting ready for the day.

His feet stopped in front of his door, taking a deep breath and testing his smile, he opened the door and walked out of his dorm room heading for class. Luckily not running into anyone on the way, it gave him time to prepare himself for the day a little more. The amount of energy it took to force a smile and work hard in class was getting harder and harder to come up with. In the past 3 years his mental health had deteriorated significantly leaving him as this hollow shell of a person. He didn't want help. He just wanted to disappear. So he kept up the cheerful facade to keep others from prying.

Sometimes he regretted taking All Might's quirk. It disabled him from ever having the choice to disappear. He was so wrapped up in the idea of making his childhood dream come true that he didn't think it through all the way. A few months of encouragement everyday had somewhat raised his spirits almost allowing him to leave his numbness behind. However all that came rushing back as he was placed in the same classroom as Katsuki once again. The constant abuse returned and brought him down further than he thought was possible. This time he didn't have the option to roll over and take it and instead started to rise and try to overcome his anger. It seemed to work slightly, even through all the abuse, the faint friendship he still tried to hold onto pushed him to fear for Katsuki's safety. Making him reckless, rescuing him from the villains had forced All Might to retire and it came crashing down on Midoriya that he would never be able to be free again. He sobbed for the first time in years at the sight of All Might's broken body shown on the giant tv screen above. The whole world knew he was out of commission now and he was forced to step up.

When he passed the licensing exam he was filled with dread. Every step towards becoming the hero he had foolishly promised to become, weighed heavy on his conscious. Katsuki was so wrapped up in his own self doubt and insecurity that even though he had known Midoriya the longest, he never noticed the change in his behavior. Instead he called him out to fight, crying about his own problems. Midoriya's heart ached at the sight of it, even if Katsuki was an insufferable jerk, he was still his childhood friend. He went along with his emotional fight and they were able to sort out their differences and in the few weeks afterwards, they became closer. Now several months later, Midoriya knew Katsuki was starting to catch onto his empty eyes and slower movements. His harsh words never seemed to let up, though his anger seemed to dissipate for the most part. Midoriya feared Katsuki's observational skills the most. Out of all the class 1A students, if any were to catch on, he was the most likely.

He rolled the sliding door open and stepped inside immediately greeted by a cheerful Ochaco and Ida. He waved and smiled heading for his desk and setting down his bag. Katsuki watched him from the corner of his eye, ignoring the redhead that was speaking to him. Midoriya ignored his gaze and tried to be as happy sounding as he could, effectively fooling his friends but Katsuki's eyes narrowed dangerously. Midoriya was saved by Aizawa-sensei opening the door and the students hurrying to their seats. Just like everyday before, he was attentive and took lots of notes. He participated in class and in activities, trying to put his all into training during free time. At the end of the day he retired to his room once again and flicked on the light startled to find Katsuki sitting in his desk chair.

"Kacchan! What are you doing here?" He asked confusion lighting his face. Katsuki glared at him and rose to his feet backing Midoriya up and pressing his back against the door.

"You're hiding something from me." He accused. His eyes never left Midoriya's, seeming to be searching for something.

"What are you talking about?" Midoriya questioned. Over the years he had gotten outstandingly good at lying but something told him he was in hot water this time. Katsuki grabbed his wrist and yanked the sleeve up scanning his inside forearm then twisting it around to inspect it.

"What are you doing?" Midoriya asked trying to pull his arm from his grasp, succeeding only for Katsuki to catch his other wrist and give it the same treatment. Midoriya wrenched it out of his hand and tried to push him away but Katsuki planted himself into an immovable force.

"You're hiding it from me!" Katsuki said again. Something in his voice wavered and made Midoriya's attempts falter.

"Kacchan?" He asked quietly, trying to search his face for what was wrong.

"Don't lie to me! Show me where they are!" He growled out turning and throwing Midoriya onto the bed.

"Whoa! Calm down!" Midoriya shouted at him. Katsuki locked the door and stalked over him, glaring down at him.

"Show me now or I'll strip you till I find them!" He shouted now. Midoriya looked at him like he'd gone crazy.

"You're not making any sense! What are you looking for?" Midoriya shouted back.

"Your scars!" He narrowed his eyes lips pulled back almost like a wolf intimidating prey.

"My scars? They're on my arms, of course I have scars, you know how many times I've broken bones." Midoriya was quite proud of his immediate answer. Katsuki hesitated for only a moment before folding over him and positioning himself between his legs. Midoriya couldn't control his confusion and embarrassment, pink dusting his cheekbones and eyebrows furrowing.

"K-Kacchan? What's wrong with you?" Midoriya asked pressing back on his chest to keep him from leaning over further. Katsuki stared at him searching his face.

"They're not on your wrists, so where are they?" Katsuki asked again not budging on the subject. Midoriya resented his stubbornness in this moment.

"What are you talking about? You're not making any sense! Everyone has seen my scars! Why are you asking about them now?" He asked again, getting frustrated with the man positioned uncomfortably close.

"Not those scars." He said his voice coming down to almost a whisper. "Your self inflicted scars." He finished.

"Kacchan, I'm aware I broke my own bones. What are you talking about?" Midoriya groaned getting fed up with this conversation. He closed his eyes, irritation marrying his face, relaxing his body trying to process the situation.

A hand on his waist had him snapping his eyes open again and looking down to where Katsuki was lifting his shirt up his abdomen.

"The hell do you think your doing?" Midoriya asked grabbing the hem of his shirt and pulling it back down into place.

"You know what I'm talking about. You think I'm stupid? You think I don't see how depressed you are?" Katsuki said, pain seemed to coat his voice. It reminded him of his desperation in their fight at ground beta.

"What? I'm fine." Midoriya said. He knew he probably wouldn't get out of this but he'd be damned if he didn't try everything he could before Katsuki got it out of him.

"Bullshit! Don't treat me like an extra!" He sneered.

"I don't have the energy to deal with your shit right now, Kacchan." Midoriya sighed. He told the truth. He was running out of energy very quickly. Going through the day with a cheerful attitude took a lot out of him.

"Stop faking it with me! I know you! Quit lying to me and just be yourself!" Katsuki yelled on the verge of panting. Midoriya stared at him for a moment and finally just went limp, dropping his mask and staring up at Katsuki with the emptiest eyes he had ever seen. Katsuki's face contorted in pain.

"Show me.. please." He whispered, sitting back on his ankles. His hands rested on Midoriya's lower thighs waiting for him to move. Midoriya's expression didn't change but he simply moved his hands to his pants and unbuttoned and undid the zipper. Katsuki's eyes widened a fraction watching his hands.

Midoriya pulled his pants halfway down his thighs and pulled his left boxer leg up to his hip. A white bandage just under his waist band was revealed to Katsuki and his lip trembled slightly, Katsuki lifted his hand to graze over the skin around the cloth. Katsuki's gaze rose back to Midoriya's face and he looked a mix of sadness and anger.

"I didn't want you to know if you couldn't tell. I didn't want anyone to know. I don't need your help so mind your own business and keep this to yourself." Midoriya spat, shoving his boxer back into place and pulling his pants back up not bothering to refasten them. Katsuki reached for him and Midoriya slapped his hand away, lifting his foot and and shoving him away and off the bed. Katsuki hit the floor with a loud thud and lots of curses.

"The hell is your problem, Deku!" Katsuki asked standing back up and glaring at the boy currently sitting up on his bed.

"That's my line. What do you care? You've never cared or noticed before so why now? What the hell do you think you can do now?" Midoriya asked, standing and pointing at him accusingly.

"How long has this been happening?" Katsuki asked, fist clenching at his sides.

"It doesn't matter! Get out!" Midoriya yelled finally fed up.

"I won't leave till you answer all my questions!" Katsuki fired back.

"I don't owe you shit! Leave me alone!"

"Like hell you don't! The fuck are you thinking with this?"

"It's none of your business! Get. Out." Midoriya's quirk started to crackle around him and he took a step forward.

"I'm not leaving! Talk to me!" Katsuki said taking a step forward as well. Midoriya glared at him.

"What do you get out of this? A clean conscious? To gloat that you know more about me than anyone else? Black mail? Fuck off!" Midoriya shouted. Katsuki had never heard Midoriya curse this much before.

"Let me help you!" Katsuki said taking another step forward.

"I don't need your help!" Midoriya bit back, baring his teeth.

"I want to help.. please." Katsuki stepped forward again and wrapped his arms around the greenette pulling him into his slightly taller frame. Midoriya froze. Katsuki had never hugged him before..it felt really good. Midoriya suddenly felt waves of despair flood over him making a harsh sob tore from his throat and buckling his knees, falling to the floor. Katsuki went with him and pulled him tighter, trying to care for him. Midoriya made no move to leave the embrace nor return it, just crying for several minutes before sobs turned into silent tears then only wet cheeks. Midoriya said nothing for the longest time, just sitting there empty and alone like always. But he wasn't alone, Katsuki waited patiently for his tears to stop and gently picked him up and laid him on the bed. He crawled in after and wrapped his arms back around his frame, slowly running his fingers through his hair. Midoriya's eyes drifted shut and within only a few minutes he fell asleep.

Midoriya didn't wake back up until the middle of the night. He had gotten back around 6 and probably fell asleep around 630 so it wasn't surprising that he had woken up 8 hours later. He felt a weight around his waist and it took him a bit to realize he was still wrapped in Katsuki's arms. His slow, even breathing slowly fanning the hair on the top of his head. Midoriya's heart beat was loud in his ears but he wasn't scared, he was comfortable. The warmth that radiated from Katsuki's body eased his tired body and fragile mind. He must have stirred too much. Katsuki had always been a light sleeper and his breathing became deeper as he shifts down to look at him.

"Hey" he whispered like he was afraid of how he would react. Midoriya looked back down to just stare into his chest.

"Hi" he finally returned and Katsuki seemed to let out a deep breath in relief.

"Do you feel any better?" He asked hesitantly. Midoriya almost wanted to laugh.

"It's a nice thought but it's going to take a lot more than one cry fest to make me feel better." He mumbled. Katsuki adjusted to hold him tighter, resting his chin on his head.

"Well I'll be here for as many as you need." He said. Midoriya's breath caught in his throat. He clenched his fist in Katsuki's shirt and buried his face into the fabric.

"You'll get bored of it eventually, but I appreciate the intent." Midoriya whispered and Katsuki's hands that had been just resting on his back, gripped into the fabric and pressed himself against him.

"I'm not going anywhere." Katsuki growled against his ear and Midoriya gasped in audibly. His breathing picked up slightly and a dark red made his cheeks heat up. His gut started to feel a bit warm and he jerked back violently. Katsuki sat up with him confused.

"I-I umm... bathroom" he mumbled and crawled to the edge of the bed, jumping off and stumbling into the room, closing the door quickly. He flipped the light on and stared at his disheveled appearance. Messy hair, red face, puffy eyes, he was a wreck. He laughed lightly and remembered why he jumped up. He gripped the sink and looked down to find that he had indeed gotten a half chub from his childhood friend. He whined in defeat and slashed cold water onto his face trying to will it down. He sighed and used the opportunity to use the bathroom like he said he would. He managed to get his erection to subside completely and washed his hands before returning to the bed. He opened the door to see Katsuki's face illuminated with his phone screen in the dark room, scrolling through something. He looked up when the door opened and gave him a small smile. Midoriya's face seemed to burst into flames again and he sank to the floor with a groan. He cursed the heavens for making him attracted to his friend, his MALE friend, at a time like this.

"What's wrong?" Katsuki asked starting to stand from the bed. Midoriya put his hand up and waved it off.

"I'd rather not discuss it at this moment. Let's just go back to sleep.." Katsuki huffed but didn't push it.

"Do- do you want to go back to your room?" Midoriya asked. Katsuki looked up at him and patted the bed next to him. Midoriya fidgeted for a second before letting out a sigh and returning back to the bed. Once he laid down Katsuki pulled him to rest his head on his chest and wrapped an arm around him.

"No, I don't." Katsuki mumbled against his hair. Midoriya didn't know what to say to that. Instead he tried to just focus on everything happening in this moment. He relaxed against him and even allowed himself to snuggle into him before letting sleep take him again.

He woke up the second time at 4:30 am. He groaned slightly sitting up, Katsuki's arm falling away from him as he rose, effectively waking him as well. Midoriya looked around the room for a second before getting up and grabbing his bag that had been abandoned by the door last night.

"I haven't done my homework." He mumbled plopping down in his chair and pulling out the stuff for school today. Katsuki sat up on the bed and looked at the time. His gaze turned back to Midoriya the let out a long yawn, starting to scribble notes onto his paper. Katsuki watched him for several moments before getting up and walking up behind him, letting his arms loop over his shoulders and rest his linked hands over his abdomen. Midoriya's pencil paused.

"What are you doing?" He asked.

"I believe the proper term is clinging." Katsuki grumbled, resting his chin on his shoulder to look at his paper. His eyebrows furrowed in anger and confusion.

"What the fuck is that?" He asked. The paper in front of Midoriya had multiple self assurance phrases written over and over in his hand writing.

"Today will be a good day."

"You are okay."

"You are strong."

"You are happy."

"You are healthy."

"You ar-"

"Everyone has different ways of coping with things." Midoriya said putting the paper aside and rested against the backrest of his chair. They sat in mutual silence for a while before Katsuki rose and shoved his hands into his pockets.

"I'm coming over tonight too." He said as he walked out of the room and into the hallway, shutting the door behind him. Midoriya looked after where he just left with some concern. Katsuki was being too nice. He had eased up a lot in the past few months but this is on a whole nother level. He was treating him almost like a lover and the thought scared him. Not because it was revolting or anything but because he felt warm. It was a strange unfamiliar feeling that made him uncomfortable.

Midoriya went back earlier than usual and opened his door. The lights were still out which was good. He flicked them on to verify Katsuki wasn't in the room and shut the door, locking it immediatly after. He shut his light off and turned on the small lamp on his desk, trying to give the illusion of him not being home. He quietly changed clothes and started on his homework. About 30 minutes later his door handle rattle. A chill went down his spine and the room temperature seemed to drop several degrees raising goosebumps on his arms. He stayed perfectly still, praying that Katsuki would just leave if he thought he wasn't there. He couldn't deal with the loud blonde right now. He needed to sort out his feelings first.

A fist on the door made him flinch as well as the tell tale sign of Katsuki's signature yelling for him to open up. There was silence for several minutes before quiet popping sounds could be heard behind the door.

"Oi, Deku! If you don't open up, I'm going to blow your door off." He warned but Midoriya didn't move. Not even breathing very much at this point.

"I'll give you 3 seconds! 3...2...1!" He shouted but nothing happened and curses were heard from him, grumbling about stupid rules about damaging school property. Midoriya heard footsteps leaving the hallway and still waited several minutes before starting to breathe normally again. He rubbed his fingers through his hair and cursed at the subtle greasy feeling to them. He pondered for a moment and decided it wasn't worth the risk to bump into Katsuki. He wandered into his bathroom after he finished his work and took his spare bottle of shampoo out of the cabinet. He removed his shirt and run his head under the sink to wet it. He washed his hair like he would any other time and rubbed a towel over his damp locks when he was finished. He had changed into baggy basketball shorts earlier for comfort and decide against putting a shirt back on. He stood in the middle of his room lost in thought and before he could process the sound of the door he was thrown onto his back on the bed the sheer centrifugal force of the throw knocked the wind out of him making him gasp for air, coughing harshly. A heavy weight fell over his hips as his shorts were ripped down. His eyes snapped open and he looked down to find none other than a royally pissed off Bakugo Katsuki ripping off his bandage.

"What the fuck!" Midoriya yelled slamming his fist into Katsuki's cheek, effectively throwing him off his body. He rolled onto the floor barely missing a beat and standing back up.

"Shut up, quit moving and let me see!" He yelled back. Flipping on the light while he was up. Midoriya noticed the door was shut in his peripheral vision, letting out a small sound of relief.

"What the hell is the matter with you?" Midoriya shouted at him. "You do realize this is molestation." He said at a much quieter level as to not let others hear him.

"Tch, like I give a fuck right now!" Katsuki clicked his tongue at him, jutting out his chin in the process. "How dare you pretend not to be here. I had to go get the spare key from Aizawa-sensei!"

"Take a fucking hint, dick head." Midoriya said crossing his arms over his chest. Katsuki's eyes wandered down his body until they rested on the scars barely above his low riding shorts that he had pulled down. Midoriya glared at him and pulled them back up into place. "Go away."

"Like hell. Show them to me." Katsuki said fishing a bottle out of his pocket and showing it to Midoriya. It was a bottle of antibacterial healing ointment. Midoriya's expression softened slightly and he huffed running his fingers through his hair.

"If I apply it will you leave?" He bargained.

"No. I will apply it." Katsuki retorted not budging. Midoriya glare at him his fist shaking in anger but as quickly as it came he relaxed, emotion drained from his face completely. He sighed and laid down on the bed pulling his shorts down far enough to show all his scars, careful to keep plenty of fabric high above his crotch. Katsuki came over and joined him on the bed, sitting cross legged by his hip. He trailed his fingers over the patch work of white bumpy lines, barely grazing it. He popped the cap on the bottle and put a hand on Midoriya's knee the other barely pressing the cold cream to his hip. Midoriya flinched at the cold but let him continue anyways. Katsuki gently rubbed the substance into his skin working it until the white color wasn't very noticeable and he stopped wiping off the faint extra onto his sweats and leaned back to look at him. Midoriya stared at the ceiling.

What was going on? Why was katsuki treating him so gently? He almost couldn't stand it. It made his skin itch and he felt anxious.

"Why are you doing all this?"

"I have my reasons." Katsuki mumbled.

"That's not good enough. You can't just decide to start giving a shit. I didn't ask for your help. Why can't you just leave me alone?" Midoriya bit out. Well he had to give it to Katsuki for being able to pull emotions out of him at all, even if it was anger.

"I've always cared." Katsuki said glaring at him.

"Bull shit." Midoriya stated rising, leaning on his elbows to look at him. "If you always cared you would have noticed sooner."

"Tch" Katsuki clicked his tongue and looked away.

"What's going on? Give me a real reason as to why I should let you help me." Midoriya narrowed his eyes at him. He wasn't expecting heated eyes to look back at him.

"Because I like you, and it hurts to see you like this." Midoriya's eyes widened almost dramatically.

"What?" Was all he could really get out but he had so many questions he wanted to ask.

" I won't repeat myself but there's your reason. No more evading or protests." Katsuki demanded. Midoriya couldn't even really process what was going on but he slowly nodded his head anyways. Katsuki leaned over him and fell onto his chest.

"I don't need you to like me back. I just want you to be happy." He said voiced muffled slightly by Midoriya's chest.

"Huh.." Midoriya felt calm. His mind felt almost like a weight lifted off of him from Katsuki's confession. " What if I did like you back?"

Katsuki raised his head to look at him and his eyes shined with hope, though his usual scowl made it had to see. "Then we should go out." He looked away but didn't move. Midoriya slowly wrapped his arms loosely around Katsuki's back.

"Hmm.." Midoriya hummed. He thought about it for a few minutes. There wasn't really a down side to this idea. He wasn't sure exactly what he felt for the blonde yet.

"Alright. We can go out, but I want to you to know that I'm still trying to work out how I feel about you." He said. Katsuki hummed and Midoriya could feel him twitch.

"Did you just smile?" Midoriya asked him seriously. He hadn't seen him actually smile in a long time. It was always some kind of cocky smirk or a scowl.

"Can't help it.." Katsuki mumbled into his chest, clutching the fabric. For the first time in years Midoriya smiled genuinely. Faint as it might be, it was still there.

-‐-‐‐-‐-‐-‐-‐-‐

Katsuki rested behind Midoriya on the floor. His back, supported by a pillow, pressed against the bed and his chest pressed against the hard muscle of his boyfriend's back. His arms wrapped around his torso while Midoriya worked on his assignment.

It had been six months since they started this one sided relationship and they hadn't done nearly anything romantic besides cuddling but Katsuki would take what he could get..

"I like you." Midoriya said out of nowhere still focused on the papers scattered in front of him. Katsuki's thought breifly that he had misheard him but the rapid heart beat he felt against his chest made his heart skip and a wide smile to encase his usual scowl.

" I love you." Katsuki said resting his chin on Midoriya' shoulder and breathing in his unique scent. The beautiful cracked man's tense body slacked and his head lulled back to catch on Katsuki's shoulder.

"Congrats on saving me.." he mumbled. "I haven't cut in weeks and I actually want to live." If that wasn't improvement he didn't know what was.

"That makes me happy." Katsuki's voice cracked, and Midoriya's rough fingers came up to caress his strong hands, entwining his fingers. Finally. Finally they could date properly and Katsuki couldn't be more happy than in this moment, holding the person who had stolen his heart..


End file.
